


Monkeying With the Script

by VCCV



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:05:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10723563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VCCV/pseuds/VCCV
Summary: Don’t you ever wish you could turn the tables on those telemarketers?





	Monkeying With the Script

**Author's Note:**

> Betas: jameschick sevfan idiasm
> 
> AN: Title is from the telemarketing industry term, “monkey-with-a-script.” Could I have done better? Yes. However, since I have now spent more time thinking about the title than I did writing the damn fic, it’s what you get.

“Yeah? What do you want?”

_“Good morning, sir! May I speak with Rodney McKay?”_

“This is McKay. Who the hell are you?”

_“Well, Mr. McKay, I’m calling on behalf of Muscoden Family Health and Life Insurance! How are you today?”_

“You’re calling on…what? Where did you get this number? This is an unlisted number.”

_“Mr. McKay, are you married?”_

“What the? No, I’m not married. I’m gay. And in your backwards country, that still appears to be illegal. And also, it’s Dr. McKay.”

_“Do you have children, Mr. McKay?”_

“Are you mentally challenged? I said I’m gay. I like dick. In case it’s escaped your notice, it’s rather hard to squeeze a kid out through a pisshole. Not to mention, where the hell would I gestate it? My colon?”

_“In these trying times, it’s so hard to find quality health and life insurance for you and your family, isn’t it, Mr. McKay?”_

“You’re not even listening to me, are you? You’re ticking the box that says ‘no wife’ and ‘no children’ and then just continuing on with the script, aren’t you?”

_“How old are you, Mr. McKay?”_

“Oh, you just go for the jugular, don’t you? What’s next? You going to ask me if I’m balding? How about if I have a paunch?”

_“Can you tell me approximately what your weight is?”_

“And there it is!”

_“Are you a vegetarian or a vegan, Mr. McKay?”_

“I’m gay, you mental reject! I shove meat in my mouth on every occasion that rears its head!”

_“Do you wear corrective lenses, Mr. McKay?”_

“What the hell does that have to do with…you know, normally I’d hang up on you.”

_“Are you a smoker, Mr. McKay?”_

“But, I just got back into town after being gone for more than two years, and I’m finding that Ear—um, home and I have a lot less in common that we once did.”

_“How tall are you, Mr. McKay?”_

“I mean, the only conversation I’ve had all week, since Carter banished me from the labs, has been me talking to my cat. Well, and now you.”

_“Do you have any history of heart disease in your family, Mr. McKay?”_

“You know, even Sheppard hasn’t called me. Sheppard always calls me. I think Sheppard has even less family to see than I do.”

_“Any history of cancer in your family, Mr. McKay?”_

“Why hasn’t that bastard called me? It’s because I came unglued all over him for that stupid lemon incident with Mitchell, isn’t it? Well, what the hell did he expect? What if I told a total stranger the way to make Sheppard behave is to wave something in his face that would make him deathly ill? He wouldn’t like it either!”

_“Do you have allergies, Mr. McKay?”_

“Oh, so you are listening!”

_“Are your allergies life-threatening or merely annoyances?”_

“Annoyances like you? Did you not hear the part about ‘deathly ill’, you moronic twit?”

_“What are you allergic to, Mr. McKay?_

“Stupid people. Case in point, I’m breaking out in hives as we speak.”

_“Do you have food allergies? Are you allergic to pet dander? To insects? To cloth fibers? Do you have a special diet? What kind of clothing restrictions do you have?”_

“Is that a roundabout way of asking what I’m wearing? You little minx!”

_“Do you have any drug allergies? Do you partake of intoxicating substances?”_

“Well, there was the time when I got hooked on the enzyme. But, that was a special circumstance. I mean, how else was I supposed to get past those two cavemen who were determined to keep me there? Show a little knee? Flash my dick? Hmm, now that I think about it, I suppose that might have actually worked. The enzyme did have quite the aphrodisiac quality to it. Perhaps if I’d offered to blow them, they might have just handed me the crystals and opened the door for me.”

_“Do you practice safe sex, Mr. McKay?”_

“What a ridiculous question. Of course I practice safe sex. Lately, I’ve been practicing the safest sex of all…abstinence. And why, do you ask? Because Sheppard is determined to prove to me that ‘this relationship isn’t just about getting off with each other.’”

_“What would you rate your level of promiscuity at, Mr. McKay?”_

“What would I what? What kind of question is that? What—Sheppard? Is that you? Are you fucking with me? Who’d you get to do this call?”

_“Mr. McKay—”_

“Oh, hell no, Sheppard. Is this your way of being a cock-tease? Are you getting off on torturing me? Is this some kind of lead-in to phone sex? Is it? It’s okay if it is, cause, I’ve got tell you, phone sex is better than no sex at all. Are you just scared to start? It’s easy, really. Here, I’ll start.”

_“Mr. Mc—”_

“I’m lifting my shirt slowly, running my fingers up my sides. I’m lightly raking my fingernails over my nipples—oh, they’re so hard; I pinch them and my hips jerk. Do you like my nipples, Sheppard? You stare at them often enough. I’ve caught you watching them poke against my shirt. I’ve watched you watching another part of me, also. You stare at my crotch. What do you see when you look there, Sheppard? Do you picture my cock pressing against my pants, hard and aching? Or do you just picture me naked, my cock red and wet, pressing up with arousal against my belly?

“I’m dropping one hand down to my pants, Sheppard. I’m unsnapping them, unzipping them, opening them wide. My cock is pushing against my boxers, begging to be let out. There’s a damp spot there. Warm and wet over the head of my cock, delineating every curve. I’m licking my palm, now. Trailing my wet finger down my chest, down my stomach. I’m slipping my hand past my waistband, into my boxers. Now, I’m wrapping my hand around my hard, hot cock. Mmm, feels so good, Sheppard. Not as good as your hand feels, I bet; not as good as I dreamed your mouth feels.

“Would you like to suck me, Sheppard? Close those gorgeous lips around my cock? Rake those perfect teeth up the shaft? Wrap your tongue around the head? I think you’re probably the hottest fucking thing in existence, down on your knees, lips swollen, eyes fluttering closed, my hands in your hair, holding you still while I fuck your mouth. Oh, fucking hell, Sheppard. You…you…guh, do you know what the fuck you do to me, you sexy fucking bastard?”

_“Um…Mr.—”_

“Fuck! Goddamn doorbell. Hold on, Sheppard. Let me see who’s here, throw them out, and I’ll get right back to telling you what I want to do to your tight little ass when you’re done sucking me dry on the first go ‘round.

“Yeah? What the hell do you…Sh-Sheppard?”

“Hey, Rodney! Just got back from chasing my father down in Thailand, of all places. Figured since I hadn’t been able to call you in a few days, I should just stop by and…um…Rodney, you do know you answered the door with your cock hanging out of your pants, right?”

“Sh-Sheppard?”

“Yes, Rodney. It’s me. Were you expecting someone else? Am I interrupting? I-I didn’t mean to—”

“No! No, you’re not interrupting. I was just…um…having phone sex with…um…you.”

“Excuse me? You were having phone sex with me?”

“Um…yeah?”

“Rodney, you can’t be having phone sex with me. I’m not on the phone.”

“Yeah, I think I just figured that out. Excuse me. I…er, need to…um…I have to…excuse me.”

“Um, hey…insurance person. I seem to have made a slight error. I drew an erroneous conclusion as to your identity and would like to apologize for my actions.”

_“That’s quite all right, Mr. McKay. But…”_

“But what? It wasn’t like I was harassing you. You called me, remember? What? You want compensation? A little supplement to your craptastic income as a telemarketer? What? What is it that you want in order to pretend this ridiculously embarrassing event never occurred?”

_“Well, Mr. McKay, are you currently on a cordless phone?”_

“Yeah…why?”

_“You could always take the phone into the bedroom with you, now that your Mr. Sheppard is there.”_

—Click—


End file.
